For You
by CamiIsMagical
Summary: Phil is in love with Dan, who is engaged. A trying and terrible love story plays out. Dan x Phil Phan Trigger Warning- contains serious depression and suicide.
1. Chapter 1

**Secrets and Surprises**

Phil took a deep breath as he stood outside Dan's room, his fist hovering over the door. It would be easy. Just four little words, he told himself. Just knock, go in, and say them. Steadying himself, he pulled back his clenched hand and let it fall on the door three times.

"Phil?" Phil's heart leapt at the sound of Dan's voice; there was no better sound in the world. "Good, come in here, I have something to tell you." Phil barely heard the words Dan was saying, he was concentrating on his four words instead. He opened the door and saw Dan, sitting at the computer and editing his latest video.

"I have something I need to say," said Phil timidly.

"So do I." They stared at each other for a while until Dan said, "Let's say our stuff at the same time, then."

Phil counted down. "Three... two... one... go."

"Dan, I love you." "Phil, I'm getting engaged." They both stopped, horror struck.

"W- What?" stammered Dan, turning pink. Phil, who had flushed magenta, quickly backed out of the room, closing the door behind him. "Phil, wait!" He called, confused. Phil's world slowly began to crumble.


	2. Chapter 2

**Can Nobody See Me?**

For the next few days Phil refused to emerge from his room, only sneaking food in the middle of the night and using the restroom early in the morning. He didn't get much sleep; as it was hard to sleep when your heart was slowly being torn apart. Phil sunk into something he had never known: depression. His emotions were running high, he was on tenterhooks. Afraid he would hurt Dan, Phil refused to talk or come out of his room at all when Dan was there.

Dan had enough.

"Phil, I know damned well you're in there, and you better come out NOW," he yelled banging on Phil's door. "Phil, I swear to God, I will kick down this door. I've got shit to say and I want to say it to your fa-" he stopped as the door was wrenched open. Phil looked more pale and sallow than usual- his cheeks had sunk in, his hair was messy, and dark circles had formed under his eyes. Dan was taken aback. "Phil, you look terrible," he whispered, before drawing himself up again. "Listen, Phil, I've been thinking about what you said and-"

"Forget it," muttered Phil.

"What?"

"I said- just forget it, okay? Forget I ever said anything."

"But- Phil-"

"So you're getting engaged?" Phil asked, forcing his mouth into a smile. "I'm really happy for you Dan. Really, I am." And he closed the door again.

The next day Phil was jubilant as ever, looking tidied and clean. He smiled, made jokes, and congratulated Dan. But Dan could see something was wrong, Phil's eyes remained dead, hollow, his smiles never touching them, never lighting up his face like they had before. Once, when Phil lifted his sleeve to scratch an itch, Dan could have sworn he'd seen red lines zigzagging in complicated patterns up and down Phil's arm.

Phil was struggling. He wanted things to go back to normal, but he knew they never would. He would never be happy again, he knew it. He had considered the consequences, what would happen if Dan didn't feel the same way. He never thought it would feel like this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hope for Tears**

Marietta, Dan's fiancee, flitted in and out of the house. Phil saw Dan watching her with adoration and love in his eyes, and he felt pain more intense than any cut on his arm. When he tried to ask Dan if he wanted to go downtown, he had said he had a date with Marietta. He stopped trying to ask after three failed attempts.

Dan was usually off with Marietta during the day, so Phil spent his time on the computer, the xbox, or shut in his room. Every once in a while, he had to be falsely cheery for his YouTube fans, but the worst was having to force on a smile for Dan, who sucked up his whole act, without a single inkling that something was wrong. His attention was usually on Marietta anyway.

Dan marched into Phil's room one Saturday morning, announcing,

"Phil, we need to talk." For the first time in weeks, Phil felt a warm feeling in his chest... hope. Dan had noticed how much he was struggling, he was here to help, to comfort him. "When Marietta and I are married, we're going to buy a house. Which means I can't live with you anymore. So if you want a smaller apartment, we need to talk about selling this one soon." Phil had never had to work so hard to keep the false smile on his face than when he did that moment.

"Sure. I'll think about that. Thanks for the heads up, Dan." When the door had shut, and Dan was a while away, down the hall, Phil turned back to his computer and cried.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Letter**

 _Dan-  
I'm sorry. I know I've been a big weight on you these past few months. It's okay, though. You don't have to worry anymore. You can sell the apartment, get some money for the new house. I'm afraid I can't be there for you, anymore. You'll have to learn to get along without me, though it won't be hard. You've been getting along just fine so far.  
I'm not trying to be bitter. I'm sorry. What I'm trying to say is I love you. I love you and I can't live without you. Our friendship was failing, my future left to dust. There is nothing for me anymore.  
Please don't be sad. Don't waste your tears on someone you no longer care for. You will get over me, easily. I just can't pretend anymore. I can't pretend I'm happy, I can't. Best wishes on your future. I love you. I'm sorry.  
-Phil_

By the time he had finished, Phil's hand was shaking so badly he had to clutch it to keep it still. Tears poured down his face as he realized the truth of his words- without Dan, he was nothing. He had nothing. Phil left the letter on his dresser and went to fetch the razor blades.

"Do you, Marietta Alexander, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"Do you, Daniel Howell, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I-" Dan cleared his throat. "I- I- no. I don't. There's someone else." The realization dawned on him at last. Phil. He left the altar, running for the car, hearing the gasps of the wedding guests behind him. Marietta stood, frozen in shock, a single tear spilling onto her cheek.

Dan drove fast. He couldn't wait to tell Phil. He had realized, at last. It all fit. He reached the apartment in record time, sprinting to the door and unlocking it, hands shaking with excitement.

"Phil?" he called, as he entered the apartment. Hearing no answer, he hurried automatically to Phil's room and knocked on the door. "Phil," he said, opening it when there was no response. "I just realized, Phil. I lo-" but he screamed with horror at the sight he found there. Phil, long dead, blood covering his arms and staining the carpet. He saw a note on Phil's dresser, addressed to him. Slowly, tearfully, he crossed the room, gently picking up the letter, smudged by Phil's own tears.

He read it once. Twice. Three times. Then he crossed the room and picked up the razor blades at Phil's feet, exposing his own wrists.


End file.
